Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Parents of an Angel

We are slowly creeping up to another anniversary. This one I am not looking forward to as it is the day Ella left us. However, it is the day I became a parent to an angel. We received this list of things to do for an angel’s parents from our support group. As we reach one year since our little girl flew to heaven, I still want to talk about her, hear her name, and have others remember her. Thankfully Ella’s Halo is helping us to keep her memory alive.

20 Things parents of Angels wish you would remember:

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never say my baby doesn't mean he or she doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby.  The truth is my baby was a human life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's heartbeat. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace this baby. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is sometimes uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel sad that I'm no longer pregnant.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's nature’s way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

4 comments:

Laci and Tony said...

That is beautiful. And so true..

Parents of angels long to keep any memory of our babies alive and I absolutely love hearing and saying my girl's names. It's not very often that we get to hear it so any chance we get is very special.

I'll be thinking of you as you approach Ella's angelversary.

Vickmark Family said...

That is amazing Taryn! Your dad still talks about Ella once in awhile and it still brings a smile to his face! Glad things are going well!

studio 60 photographic art said...

Hi Taryn,

I read about Ella and it brings a smile to my face, and of course some tears, too! I wish you peace and comfort in knowing that your baby is among wonderful people in heaven. No matter who we've lost, it's always hard when we reach the anniversary of their passing.

There is a wonderful organization that offers free photographic services to those who's baby will never leave the hospital, called 'Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep'. The website is http://www.nilmdts.org and it is truly an amazing thing. My wish is that anyone going through the loss of a baby has something like this offered to them.

Take care!

Amanda

Sarah Kerbeshian said...

SO true. Thanks for posting.

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