Thursday, June 9, 2011

Terrible Twos

One week from today will be two years since we lost our little girl.  I can't believe how it has already been two years and how vivid those memories of that last day still are and probably will always be.

I know that if Ella was here we would be going through the terrible twos with a little toddler.  I sometimes picture how different our lives would be with a spoiled little blond haired girl running around.  But now, the terrible twos has a whole new meaning to us.  As parents who are grieving the terrible twos means something so different. 

The first year after Ella passed away, it was very difficult.  I believe we were just trying to survive and get through that first year together.  It was hard year, I cried so many times, my heart always hurt and I felt that we would never be really ever as happy as we once were.  People wanted to hear our story, ask us questions about our baby girl, how we were doing and even let us cry on their shoulders. People expected this from us and didn't seem to think it was weird or strange for me to get tears in my eyes when someone would mention her name. 

Now after two years I sometimes think it is even harder. People talk about her less, ask us about her less and people we meet don't know about her.  The pain might be less raw but the pain is there just different. The hurt of having to move on and find a "new normal".   The little sting of someone not knowing about our little girl.  Having others not remembering. The looks of wonder about why we haven't moved on and had another baby.  Feeling guilty about bringing her name up. Knowing that a little bit of her memory and her life is starting to fade away into the past.  To me, that is really what our terrible twos are all about. Two years later and knowing that it is still just plain hard.

I know that even in the years to come it will still be hard, we will still cry, we will always have a  missing piece to our hearts and we will continue to slowly find happiness in our lives.  And sometimes as a parent, you just have to face those terrible twos.


Anonymous said...

Beautifully written.... You and Ella are always in our thoughts.

Cherry Blossoms said...

I will never fully understand what your journey must be like but your strength and never ending love is so admirable. Ella's love will always remain strong because of how great of parents you and Ryan are. We say prayers every night with Elle, and always say "bless all the babies in heaven" so know that Ella is being thought of.

Deanna said...

some people may mention her less, but other's talk about her all the time... we have never met in person, but your sweet Ella has become part of our family. thinking of River is impossible to do without thinking of all of the children that are with him and their parents whose hearts are aching so much like mine. Ella will never be forgotten.

Meg said...

She is in many hearts, thoughts and prayers! and what you and ryan are doing to honor her will never be forgotten!
all my love <3

Post a Comment