Tuesday, August 25, 2009


These little milestones.....they are moving us through this difficult first year. Yesterday was 5 months since the day our precious little girl came into this world. I will never forget that day... Ryan and I were both so scared, happy, sad and excited. All of those emotions were wrapped into one precious moment, the moment she came into this world and changed us forever. I just remember the pride beaming from her daddy, the love that filled our hospital room, and the moment she took my breath away. The beginning is where I am going to start our milestones...not the day she left us. This is not the end. She is waiting for us up in heaven playing, singing, watching and loving.

Our grief has also came in milestones. At first we were numb...the first day, week, month. We were both so numb to what happened and how our lives drastically changed. After the numbness wore off we were angry and asking why God did this, why he took our little baby. Now I am trying to understand what grief really means to me, to us. We have lost loved ones in the past but this grief was new...more painful. I now believe grief as an emptiness and a fullness within my heart. One moment grief can bring on an unbelievable emptiness. An emptiness from missing our sweet little baby every breath that I take, from feeling let down by life for not being able to watch our little princess grow up, and from the pain I now carry everywhere I go. But at the same time I have a fullness within my soul. A fullness knowing that my little baby is at peace in the most beautiful place, knowing that we were blessed to have been chosen to be this little angel's parents, and knowing that we will see her again and that this is not the end. I know we will forever have grief buried deep within our hearts but at least we are coming to understand what it means for us.

Another milestone is happening in our non-profit research as well. Ryan and I are taking a class to learn how to start a non-profit in September. We thought we would take a class and learn as much as we can so that we can be well educated and make informed decisions on how we want to go forward in making our organization right for us. We will be the main people involved with the organization and felt that it was best if we knew what we wanted, how to run it and how to maintain the business part of the organization. We wanted to know all aspects rather than let someone else work out the details for us. We will still need help with some of the paperwork that needs to be filed by attorneys but we want this organization to be all of our heart, soul, sweat, tears and love.


Lisa from Lisa's Yarns said...

You write so beautifully, Taryn. I hope maintaining this blog and starting this organization helps to you to continue to heal and grieve the loss of your little angel.

Kristin @ The Krumwiede 6 said...

I have had to come back a few times to be able to get through that whole message without crying... I still have the tears this time, but they are for a purpose...

Your and Ryan's strength is amazing to us... We love you both so much and not a day goes by that we don't think of you and precious Baby Ella :)

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