Mother's Day

This year Mother's Day brings up so many emotions; happiness, grief, and fear. I am so happy I had the chance to be Ella's mommy and to spend the day reflecting on how much a little baby has changed me. Grief because I am sad I don't get to spend the day with her and I miss her so much it still hurts. And the feelings of fear to move on and have other children, fear of not feeling like I was a good enough mother to Ella, and  fear that I won't be the mother my other children will need.

Last year for Mother's Day I got to hold my daughter and this year I am only holding on to a memory. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. Why on a day that should be happy is fear tangling its way into my grief? It is hard enough to deal with the pain from the past but it is even harder to be slapped in the face by fear of your future, fear of a new baby's future. How can I be a good mother when grief is so deep within my heart?  These are questions a babylost mother thinks about on Mother's Day. Grief will always have its ugly arms wrapped around us.

This isn't how I imagined I would feel as a mother to an angel this Mother's Day. But I embrace the feelings of enjoying the day with Ryan outside remembering our baby, to be sad with grief to know that she isn't here in my arms this year, and to be gripped by fear about the future. All these emotions make me a mom...a mommy to an angel.

Thank you to all of the mothers that inspire me everyday. Thank you to mothers who show us their unconditional love, give comfort when we are sad and teach us to face our fears. Thank you to my mom who is always there for me and for my mother-in-law that loves me no matter what. And thank you to Ella for always letting me be her mommy!